If there were a moment in life i felt weak, it would be now. I'm itching for a cigarette for the sake of doing something.

I tried to breath in as much air as i could into my lungs sitting on the closed toilet seat for what seemed like forever. I'm not going to hyperventilate. I hold in my tears while a million questions race through my mind. I feel so dizzy and light headed, the air is too thick to breath, almost impossible to breath.

That's a lot of women...
Do I compare...
Stop being insecure....
Does he miss them...

With a sudden panic, the one fear and question that it all comes down to.
Will he hurt me?
I need to stand


I manage to pace back and forth between the narrow space between the toilet and the sink biting away whats left of my nail polish away in the process. Then i hear movement on the bed behind the door. Panic. Half of me prays for the knob to turn while the other half needs more time. Time for what exactly, I'm not sure. Maybe a splash of cold water will calm me down.

I'll be fine if I avoid eye contact. I open the bathroom door and look straight at the ground aiming for my familiar spot on the left side of the bed. I see movement from his body, he's still awake. I pull the sheets over my head and turn my body to face the wall. The tension and silence is almost deafening.

"baby, whats wrong?"
...
"can you turn around and look at me please?"
"I'm tired" I say
I don't know how long i could hold in my tears. i feel him looming over me, waiting for me to say I'm okay. If i make eye contact, ill break. I'll spill my heart and soul and insecurities and i promised myself i wouldn't be weak anymore. He makes it so easy to break down the walls i built for so long.

Anyway, That's what happens when you read to much romance books lol.

Just a momentary panic attack i guess. I have faith that this time its different and i never doubted him. I've known him forever and his past is where it is. The women he met all knew the circumstance and had full knowledge of the conditions. His Marine mentality and behavior was way before i was in the picture (romantically) and he held no obligations towards me or my opinions. He isn't the type to lie or two time and there isn't a bone in his body that could disrespect a women. I see the way he treats his mom and sisters so i have faith in his character. It feels...right.

How i got so lucky I'll never know.

I'll shut up now.

I was cleaning my room (again) and i uncovered a box that has old pictures from middle school and high school. Pictures i totally forgot existed. When studio pictures were cool and pokemon cards were the shit. I even have with my cousins when i got fucked up and they just took pictures with me while i puked in the corner. And when me and Jen drank a whole bottle of bacardi silver in my room and took pictures. Alcoholic from the start that girl.

I could scan these and use it for blackmail.

This isn't the point. The point is, im glad i've had these people in my life and i continue to have them, granted it may not be as constant, it still made an impact in my life.

I know who I am...do you?

I'm not going to assume the worse in people and past judgment, i try really hard not to, but i can't help but think "what the hell" when i get texts about how you still dream about me or telling me that your single again. I've tried to ignore the random texts every so often but now its getting ridicules. We're friends, acquaintances at best. I tolerate your existence because theres no other way to get you to stop. It was the past and I'm no fool to make the same mistakes. The last thing I want is drama and he provides the worse kind.

I don't know what he's trying to pull or assume he wants something because it really doesn't matter. It just hard for me to explain when my phone rings in the middle of the night and i get those looks as if I'm encouraging him. The tone in Mike's voice alone is embarrassing enough. I'm happy now and seeing your number reminds me how stupid I was for giving all those chances and sticking around for so long. What goes around comes around...if your unhappy, I truly am sorry to hear that, but don't text me in hopes that i could fix that. How you could look yourself in the mirror i never know but then again, you were always such a comfortable liar.

You reap what you sow. Just leave me alone.

The "motherboard" on my desktop is fried, that pretty much means that everything is gone.

just my luck...

I don't get it. They say 1 out of 8 Americans are suffering from hunger but then 1 out of 3 are over weight?

Whoever is doing the statistics are tallying using the fat markers cause they can't see what they're writing anymore.

Thats what your being...

Save the trouble from denying it, whatever.

I'm thinking I should really make partying a career. KrystleMeth, Public Relations. Eh, my schemes don't last very long so this is just going into the "im just saying" thought box. Along with my dreams of being a background wow wow wee dancer or ballerina secret agent slash ninja. But on a serious note, yeah..call me. *fingerbang* lol

Anyway...the baby shower went fairly well i think, despite all my last minute shopping? My biggest worry was if there wasn't going to be enough food but it was more than enough. The decorations weren't extravagant as I had hoped but it sufficed. Not to forget the team of sexy hot buff men to clean up and take down the tents, etc. after. Ill post pictures when i get the camera cord from Mike...homie is old and keeps losing everything.

its almost a month :)

theMETH&SUPAGAYis back in your face...fo'shizzle.

We both know I'm the winner...lol.

I'm going to tease him about this FOREVER and theres nothing he could do about it. We fought for a month, the longest to date. This better be the last one bitch.

I LOVE GILDU THE INCREDIBU.

p.s. we're going public, just a heads up. I don't have boy anger issues anymore. hahah well, maybe just alittle.

fuck, im late. im suppose to be decorating for the baby shower and im doing this. haha i just wanted to keep a recorded date for the happiest day of my life. yeah, we're that gay.

Send me a emails, blast my phone with hate text, leave me voice messages, i didn't read shit...cause thats what it all is, shit.

Fuck off, im tired of your complaining already. I'm not even going to defend myself or stoop to your level. Tell everyone your side, say im fucking trash. I didn't say one damn thing that deserved those things you said. I stayed quiet yet you kept going and going.

We both know the reason why your acting like this is because you wanted to be with me and when i chose someone else, you bitched. Yeah, you could have fuct someone hotter than me...but yet, here you are.

After everything you said, I understand perfectly. I understand every word of it. I dont care, like you said, im better at not caring. AND here it is. You know me well enough to know i could do it better than you. FUCK YOU!!!! hahahah

Keep calling me a bitch, you haven't seen nothing yet. If your trying to get pity and sympothy, believe me honey...you have it. and you'll continue to have it.

But your happy right so what i'm saying shouldn't bother you one bit. I pray to GOD i don't hear anymore of your shit.

This is the end of us. Im nothing to you. I dont mean anything. Im worthless...one of a hundred right? Just one of the strippers and hookers and countless of other girls in his club right?

Good, so leave me alone now.

Oh, and when you tell someone "PEACE", its only suppose to be told once...not in every text. It's suppose to signify the end of a conversation. You don't constantly bombard the person with more hostle words and more "peace" conclusions. Typical you can't stick to one thing and just talks in circles...and out of your ass.

but its like this, take notes sweetie:

PEACE OUT MOTHERFUCKER :)

Since you SOOOOO fucking quick to tell everyone and anyone about our problems and put our business (something that's only between me and you) out there, I'm going to do the same to!

I told you, i could play i dont care better than you can. You should know me better than that though to figure out my game. You couldn't even show face on my birthday but i still didn't say shit or talk smack. They don't know us...they don't know what we've been through for the last 5/6 years. They think im just another girl so it's easy for them to say nevermind. You know how much you mean to me. Then you have the balls to say nevermind, we don't matter. You can just throw everything away because you think someone better came along?!? Then fine, it must have meant nothing.

You tell me to leave you alone...i do that. THEN YOU GO AND BITCH HOW IM NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH OR I DONT CARE!?!? " Bullshit i don't buy it. Its always easier saying shit than proving what you gotta say. I'll leave it at that."
I want you to be happy Gil and I know hassling you and texting you will only make you mad/sad/whatever you fucking think about when im around. what the fuck do you want from me?!?!

You think the things i hear you say about me or the shit you post doesnt bother me. "I dont want to talk to that girl, it's done". All of a sudden im that girl. All of a sudden, I did something wrong to deserve that kind of attitude. Im not saying shit about you...I never said anything to warrent something that wasn't true. i dont want that much people to get involved, but your obviously willing to tell everyone so that i could be the bad guy and so you could get sympothy.

well, i hope your getting whatever it is your trying to aim for.

I'd say that for you not to worry about me, but then again i know you're not already. Ha

If you want to believe that i dont care and im not concerned, then do that.

After everything your doing and all this guilt your putting me through, I'm starting not to anyway. Gah, and you know when i say that, its not true. I owe you everything in my life and all the happiness thats in it. Without you, i would still be out there alone and lost and now that your gone, it feels like that again. Just because we can't be together the way you want us to be doesn't mean we can't be together at all. But thats what your making it into. If this is what you want, if being away from each other is what you want, then why are we both miserable? If you have the answer to everything and you think you know everything, answer that! If this is what you want to be happy...then why arent you?

Like you said, your not going to read this anyway so why bother...

It's amazing what you could accomplish when you stay home for once. Aside from changing my nail color from black to red, I think I've done enough to show face for my mom.

Still haven't managed to clean my car yet. I need to get out of the "boyfriend mode" and do it myself, cause really, that's all having one is good for. You don't need to buy me anything, i could get it on my own, just clean my car...and vaccuum it too! Thanks ;) *fingerbang* lol I'm kidding!!!

Windex and febreeze baby, it really turns me on. I'm going to make you mad, its my mission.

My body won't ever recover from yesterday. I'm still in pain, the true sign of age. When the fuck is the wisdom going to kick in?!?

My birthday would have been awesome if i didn't puke in the middle of Jeff's lawn after knocking out in his bathroom for half an hour. Im not going to say never again cause i've never been good at bullshit, lol. There goes all the ribs and lemonade I had for dinner. OH! and i love you all for going to magics after i text so last minute, lol. Then show up 30 minutes late then original time. hahah im sorry! And the shots and free beer, im very grateful :) hahah

I love the flowers and balloons and dinner!!!

The worse was the yelling about coming home so late/early...drunk...and then having my dad, of all people, telling me i need to calm down and stay home for once. It's my birthday, i get an exception don't I?

BIG hug to EVERYONE (if you were there you know who you are) who came today and celebrated with me and put up with my annoying "but its my birthday!!!" tone. hahaha Also to everyone who brought things to feed the needy, we love free food. I hope you all had fun =)

Skimming, beer, bbq, sexy fat old men, sexy young ladies...gotta love it ;) thats how this girl does the big TWOTHREE.

I LOVE MY FRIENDS

I still stand behind what i say, your a FUCKING coward. Think whatever you want and say whatever you have to say to hurt my feelings. I know what its like to be betrayed and left behind and forgotten about and thats exactly what your doing to me and thats exactly what you think im doing to you.

I never said what we had was a lie, the thought never crossed my mind. But i've said it to you countless times, you can't have a relationship without passion or spark. I saw you as my brother, my protector, my savior. When i was going through those aweful moments with Peter, you were always there to cheer me up. You were there to tell me everything was going to be okay and your right. everything was okay. Thats why i was always with you. Cause you made me feel safe and you were my comfort, you were my sunshine. You were my Jacob. It may not be the relationship you want but its the only one i can offer.

I know you treated me great, why do you think i miss you so much? I can't even hold my tears everytime someone says your name or asks me where you are. It hurts that you left me here alone. It may seem like im having fun and going out but it keeps me from staying home and crying. I hate staying home when i have problems cause i hate thinking about what i did to you. I feel so guilty that i cant feel the same way. but it doesnt mean i dont love you any less.

How dare you say that i went boy crazy. I never slept around or even talked to a guy when you were around. I never even did it when you weren't around. I make perverted comments cause its funny. Don't take it to heart. You know thats how i joke around. And the things i tell you or my options about a guy were told out of confidence, i never meant to make it seem like thats what i wanted out of you. I learned my lesson from my past relationship and we already talked about this! Most of my fights before with him was about money and how he spent it. My parents fight about money to. I dont want to be stuck in a relationship with debt and me paying for everything. its understandable, so dont you fucking dare say its just about money. Life isn't rainbows and sunshine and just runs on love alone. Love is part of it but sometimes that isnt enough. Wanting to find someone who has everything isnt a bad thing and you make me feel so guilty for wanting it all.

If i were so shallow, i would be with the first cute guy i saw. IF I WERE SO FUCKING SHALLOW, I would have done something with Darren and tried to have his baby to get his family's money. If i were so fucking shallow, i would have fucked every guy i thought was cute. If it were about money, i would be with Gerard or someone with a good job wouldnt I?!? If it were about looks, i would have gone for that skim eye candy and fucked him right!! fuck you for saying im shallow gil! If you think i hung out with you alot cause i didn't want to be alone, then your a fucking idiot. FUCK YOU FOR EVEN THINKING THAT. FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL LIKE THIS.

i know i can't ask you to stay with me, i know that. i dont want to hurt you anymore...i just dont think i could function properly if your not in my life =(

who's going to call me gay everytime i do my one leg dance in the middle of the where ever? Who's going to tell my im pretty when i say "tell me im pretty" then call me gay again? who's going to pick me up and play loud obnoxious mixes when honestly, they all sound the same? what am i going to do with the missing guitarist when we play rockband? When i say thats horrible, who's going to be there to say thats terrible! I dont know anyone else with a perverted grandpa that offers me food in the middle of the night.

im sorry that this happened to us. i miss you and i dont want you to think i gave up on you. I never tried to give up on you. im still not giving up on you. im giving you your time, but i dont know how long i will give you. maybe im being selfish but i refuse to stop believing that your my bestfriend.

im sorry.

I told myself that this year i wasn't going to drink as a form of suppression. Thank gosh it's only the 4th! 360 more days to correct my habits and perfect the art of confrintation.

Knocking out in a drunken stupor 2:00 am is always fun, just not when you work 3 hours later. I don't know why i never learn my lessons. haha, damn it, I'm mourning! i get alittle slack right? RIGHT!

Deleting your myspace. Don't you think your taking this a little to far?!?

keep pushing me away...its working.

There goes my Jacob =(

I dont know how many times I could say im sorry.

If you want me to wallow in a corner waiting for you to come back, you taught me better than anyone that THAT isn't going to happen. I can't read your mind and I dont know what to do. I've tried and you said leave you alone. i leave you alone and you complain. i dont know what you want! I just want you to be happy again and if that's without me, then so be it. Your the one making it like this...not me.

When she talks to me like a child, i want to shoot myself in the head...with a loaded shot gun rifle.

The bullets will enter through my mouth and exit through the back of my skull. I'll pull the trigger twice the guarantee the kill.

Mother will be the death of me. oh, the irony...

I know you well enough to know when somethings wrong. The timing couldn't be more perfect & its no coincidence.

I know whats bothering you. Either that or my paranoia is taking control of my better senses again.

Either case, your asshole strategy doesn't work on me. Your cold shoulder makes me boiling mad!

I can't force you to say the things you want to say, if you don't want to say it, know what I'm saying? So i'm sticking to my original plan and if we get caught in the cross fire, its only temporary until everything is resolved. I'll be doing my own thing and so will you until whatever is bothering you doesn't bother you anymore.

I will forever and always be captivated by your "whoa". It just is what it is.

See what happens when you neglect the planet. Keanu Reeves will come and take your breath away. You can invade me anyday ;) matrix.

Recycle your cans and hug a tree everyday kids.

I've decided it want to die having sex, Gil wants to die taking a shit. I guess we're not dying together like we originally planned. lol

Fuck, its going to be crowded at church today. I hope i don't get punished for using fuck and church in the same sentence?


Christmas is tomorrow!
I love this time of year...

Today is my Lolo's 6th year death anniversary. I miss the smell of car oil and sweat.

He always had a way of making me feel invincible. 50% of my qualities (the good ones anyway, lol) is 100% of what he was. The other 50% is my mom and friends. Stubborn is just a Carter thing, its in our genes. lol

I could never fully emulate him well enough to show people what kind of legacy he left behind. He never had to tell me how to treat people or how i should carry myself, it was something you just watched and admired. He worked hard and thats the reason he died the way he did. Words wouldn't be enough to explain how much he was so amazing, its something you feel. As forgetful as i may be, my memory of him would never be erased. We are products of our environments and i am home grown to the bone.

Just thinking about him still makes me cry. I try not to think about him to much because of that fact.

Life would be so much simplier if he was still around.
My filipino Indiana Jones =(